Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
So creative 😂
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My apartment is a mess, I should move
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…