I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.