Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
when someone compliments me
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”