Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
when revenge coincides with naptime
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
SCARY COSTUME
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
shit, they caught us—run!!!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.