GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars