This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.