I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Squirrels before girls.
Guilty! 🤪
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!