I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
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After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.