Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors