“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
You Might Also Like
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there