30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.