*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
You Might Also Like
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
a public service announcement
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot