godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
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If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
This could be us but you eatin’
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Me too
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave