INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
You Might Also Like
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.