“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
A little too much information.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”