Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
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I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Shower sex be like:
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.