Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
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ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?