Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
The pen is writier than the sword.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.