Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.