[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
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Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.