Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
This might be the funniest tweet ever
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good