DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.