Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.