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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor