Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Yes
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president