[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
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[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.