Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever