[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Worst perfume name ever.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”