“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.