asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
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Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”