What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
gentlemen, hear me out
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.