I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
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TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
That’s a good costume, I hope.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
For the baby who has everything
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up