I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
tell em, edith-anne
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree