Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
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I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it