I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
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Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.