Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Children of the corn 🌽
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.