Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*