Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.