Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
You Might Also Like
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?