[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
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Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
God has left this place
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.