My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
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It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!