[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
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[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
New menu item
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary