Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
peeping toms
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!