An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
You Might Also Like
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok