According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
we’re gonna need another temp
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?