8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
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I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
? 💀
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.