When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.