What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*