Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Seek kebab; not attention
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors