Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I know this now 😂
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave